Recently one of my friends had her boyfriend break-up with her. Out of the blue he says he doesn’t love her anymore. Get your stuff and go! Holy shit, not only were we all a little floored, but it makes you stand back and have a little eval of relationships. Standing on the back of a UHaul with one of my other friends you pick of the fear. Fear of lost love. Of endings. “This makes me never want to move in with anyone.” What if? What if this could happen to you? If you think you’ve found your soul mate? Your husband? The father of your children? And then poof it’s gone. Do you take the risk of being in a relationship, even with the potential for heart-break? Because that potential is always there, just like every time you get into the car you have the potential to be in a wreck. Do you still do it? Yes! In spite of hurt, in spite of pain, we choose love because the potential for love is greater than no love at all (the deep fear in us all- we are unlovable).
Of course the reaction to any situation is a personal one. Based on one’s thoughts, feelings, experiences, and perspectives. My thoughts are on relationships. Do you ever really stop loving someone? Can feelings like that just disappear? My belief is that while intensity may lessen or passion dims or commitment wains, we are love, so love never leaves us. Do we always choose to be loving? Do we always act loving? Do we always say loving things? No, however, I am of the belief that my purpose is to be a loving being. I am here to get better at loving. Love is who we are. It’s an action. A verb. A chose for us to take. Today, now, in this moment we can choose to be loving. We can love everyone (you know that One Love kind of good vibes). And I do I love everyone. I love myself. I love my family. I love my friends. I love you and some of you I’ve never even met. I even love my friends ex-boyfriend. I love you for you. For your potential. For the good inside. For the love you are capable of. I am reading this radical book called A Lamp in the Darkness by Jack Kornfield. In the first few pages he says: It’s not about you. It’s about us. Life is difficult for everyone.
Boom, how do you hit someone with that at the beginning of a book? Like I said radical. We all go through break-ups. We are all afraid of not being loved. We all lose people. We have financial struggles. Life struggles. We all have challenges We are all going through this crazy, fun, challenging adventure of living. You, me, and everyone we run into. What do we bring to this, US? We have the opportunity to bring love. That is my answer.
Lastly I think about entering a romantic relationship. To me relationships are strong when faced with challenges. How the hell do you grow if you’ve never been through tough times? How do you appreciate the highs if you’ve never truly felt the lows? Relationships mean communicating. F***ing talking, writing, touching, doing something to express yourself. Be vulnerable. Be honest. Having tough conversations deepens a relationship. Stop living on the surface and dig deep. Yes it can be scary. Dealing and feeling your true feelings can be scary as hell. But you have to. You have to face yourself. Your life. Your choices. Also you have to realize that you are responsible for your feelings. No matter how close you are to your loved ones: you are in charge of your feelings. You are responsible for your own happiness. I tell my family (friends included in the term family), don’t try to make me happy. Don’t tell me what you think I want to hear, tell me the truth. Don’t worry about making me happy or hurting my feelings. Happiness is something I bring. It is not someone else’s job to bring you happiness. It’s a choice. An action. A feeling. Don’t enter into a relationship to fill a void. You are a WHOLE person already. You are enough. Enter as two wholes going through this life experience together. Characters in one anothers stories. Co-Create together. Don’t have them write it. Collaborate. Like Runaway Bride, don’t let someone else define you. Do it yourself. Know how you like your own eggs.
“Successful relationships are built upon the foundation of bringing committed love to the table every day, communicating your feelings, receiving your partner’s feelings and setting healthy boundaries to maintain a sense of independence within the relationship. This allows for love to be given and received, proper adjustments to be made if the line of communication gets fuzzy and still gives each of you the freedom to be yourself and bring forth your unique creative expression. This combination will manifest the strongest and healthiest relationships in your life. And remember, the purpose of relationships is to be happy, to learn and to CO-create a life together.” – Jackson Kiddard