My ride to town the other day led to this beautiful facebook post:
What’s on my mind today: life and what can happen is uncertain, but I can decide to love every moment of it. Thus I don’t have time to hold onto anger or self-pity. Letting go and filling up on things and people that bring me bliss.
What led to this: 1. Our car accident and 2. My grandpa. I always assigned my grandpa the title of ‘alcoholic’. I gave him this title. It let me deal with feelings. It was easier to avoid them if I shoved them in a box titled: he’s a drunk, than to face what I was feeling (shame, disgust, fear, bitterness, etc). But one of my biggest fears with his drinking was that I would lose him. I was afraid when he found his hidden truck keys, that today would be the day. Today will be the day he will kill himself, or worse he will kill someone else, he’ll kill someone else’s child. Anxiously waiting with my family to find out if he would make it home. The anger. The yelling the fighting. Is this going to be the last memory I have with him? Was it good? Was it bad? I learned at a young age, sometimes you have to let things go.
When I was 6 my family and I were in a car accident. My brother and I were life-lined to Indy. It was scary. I was angry. I was confused. And then there is my mom, my beautiful bright mother. I remember her telling me that things happen for a reason. Maybe this was a sign for my siblings and I to be nicer. I have carried this with me ever since. It allowed me to lean back and trust sometimes, even when it seemed whatever I am experiencing sucks, I know I need to be patient. There is a lesson here. Life and relationships are more important than the worry I’m creating.
Although I outwardly thought the nice comment was a load of crap, inwardly it manifested into the lack of anger I have. Growing up, especially now, I have a hard time holding on to anger. Initially it was partly because I was afraid. I could never leave someone upset. No matter how big and loud the fight, I always came back. I’d call or I’d stop the fight right in the middle. I’d think: I can either hold onto this anger or I can forgive, I can let go of my need to be right. Is this going to matter later on? Am I actually going to remember what we’re fighting about in a month? The fear came in because I would think: what if this is my last memory with them? Is what I’m hung up on more important than my relationship with this person? Let go. Start over. Apologize. Forgive. Hug. Love. Start over. No matter the fight you can stop and let go. You have a choice: do I let this continue or do I let go of my ego-driven need to be right?
Something else I learned (from my mom) is that the people in our lives are not ours. They do not belong to us. They are a part of our experience, but we do not own them. My life, their life is not a guarantee. At any moment they can be taken away. They are a gift. Every moment I have with them is a gift. Do I want to waste time being angry at this gift or do I want to play and have fun. Do I want to appreciate it? Same thing with my own life. When people say I do crazy shit or I need to play safely. I need to save. I need to wait. What the hell am I waiting for? Who says I have tomorrow? Who says I’ll live to that retirement? Who says I have to wait to travel? Who says I have to wait on my dreams? NO! I am going to live NOW because I have this time. I am going to attract positive things now. I am going to have adventures now. I am going to love now. I am going to create my dreams now. I am going to live by my own rules now. I am going to live in this moment because life is uncertain. So right now I love and live in each and every moment. Just being alive is enough for me. I am so grateful just for the opportunity to be alive each day.