Are you failing if you grow from an experience?
When I had my quantum moment, I was actually hit first with: I want to live in Indiana. But I had made a commitment to go to Colorado for a year and I was ready to do my time and return. But the course changed again (my life has fluctuated so much the last year I can’t help but live moment to moment and just let life happen). Am I failing because I said I was moving to Colorado, but I had a change of heart? Because I changed my mind?
I told someone the other day, I am a firm believer in everything happens for a reason. I loved it out West and I could be happy there, but when I came back home I changed. My thoughts changed. And then it was so blindingly clear that I needed to stay.
Before I was hiding. Hiding from my problems, hiding from people. It is so much easier to start new and create a new you, then to face yourself. To face your conditions and challenges. Its harder to be around your memes. To open your heart, in instances where you would normally close. To drop caring what others think of you, when they’re so close to you.
But I can do this. I was looking for happiness outside of myself. Of where I am now. Adventure and ME were waiting out there. My dream life, job, etc. where somewhere beyond the horizon. But really I’ve been here the whole time, going out there is not going to change me. Growth is here. Love is here. Challenge is here.
Being away, though, let me realize how much I already had, that I left. How much support I have from friends and family. How much I loved being around clients here. How much fun I have. How beautiful Indiana is. I am unbelievably blessed, and I tried to escape that because there was something ‘grander’ waiting outside of me, when it was within me all along.
You can’t have a food truck in Indiana, and so on. Reason’s why I can’t make my dreams come true. I’ve heard them a lot lately. But why not? Change can happen anywhere. Be the change you want to see in the world. And that can happen anywhere. Someone asked me the other days how I’d get a job, with all the tattoos. Well I am going to create. I am smart, creative, and full of belief in myself and my vision.
The biggest fear in returning home is shame. Shame that people will view it as a failure. But it’s not, look at what I’ve learned, look how I’ve grown. Look how inspired I am. I am a unique person, with a unique purpose and I have to stay true to that. This is my life, my story, I live it and know the play-by-play. Others looking from the outside can judge or say what they want, but I can’t live my life proving myself. Or doing what I should do, or what’s expected. Live your unique life. Don’t ever feel like you’re failing. Life is an experiment. We are constantly learning and growing. You try something new. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. But you keep going. You keep living. You open up your heart. You love. Embrace each moment and be grateful what is here, not what’s out there. Happiness is already within you. Feel it.