Its amazing how ingrained our fears become. We erect huge walls or tote around heavy armor, to hold out potential pain.
I am afraid of being alone. I just realized it this! My sister-in-law, Katie, is pregnant. This means my mother performed a pencil test, a family honored predictor of future children. For fun my mom decided to do one on me. I kneel heart pounding incessantly, holding my breath positive that the pencil is just going to spin. Two boys and a girl later and I can let out a big exhalation. I am relieved not because this is a sure on glimpse into my future, but because of the fear I uncovered.
Sure I think of a family and children, but some other voice (shadows) tells me it is not going to happen. That I am going to be alone. How have I then protected myself? I initially set myself apart. I do have great friendships and family, but I frequently set out to be by myself. I strap on my armor, seeking out on my own so I don’t have to feel pain when I end up on my own. Ironic I know.
It was so refreshing to uncover this about myself. So freeing and liberating to release this. To allow myself to take off the armor. To stop hiding by myself. Another thing I took from Brene Brown’s writing is how important connection is. So even though I have great beginning connections I can do better. I can let new people in better. I can forge deeper greater connections. I don’t have to be alone. I don’t have to force myself to be alone either.
I can take off the armor and tear down walls!