Its amazing how ingrained our fears become. We erect huge walls or tote around heavy armor, to hold out potential pain.

I am afraid of being alone. I just realized it this! My sister-in-law, Katie, is pregnant. This means my mother performed a pencil test, a family honored predictor of future children. For fun my mom decided to do one on me. I kneel heart pounding incessantly, holding my breath positive that the pencil is just going to spin. Two boys and a girl later and I can let out a big exhalation. I am relieved not because this is a sure on glimpse into my future, but because of the fear I uncovered.

Sure I think of a family and children, but some other voice (shadows) tells me it is not going to happen. That I am going to be alone. How have I then protected myself? I initially set myself apart. I do have great friendships and family, but I frequently set out to be by myself. I strap on my armor, seeking out on my own so I don’t have to feel pain when I end up on my own. Ironic I know.

It was so refreshing to uncover this about myself. So freeing and liberating to release this. To allow myself to take off the armor. To stop hiding by myself. Another thing I took from Brene Brown’s writing is how important connection is. So even though I have great beginning connections I can do better. I can let new people in better. I can forge deeper greater connections. I don’t have to be alone. I don’t have to force myself to be alone either.

I can take off the armor and tear down walls!


One thought on “Armorless

  1. I have nominated you for the Liebster Blogger Award
    Good Luck! (see my post for example if needed,directions bellow:)

    There are Three Rules of 11’s’ to observe for this award and they are:
    1. Answer the 11 questions posed by the nominator and ask 11 new questions for the bloggers you nominate.
    2. Share 11 random items about yourself.
    3. Nominate 11 bloggers in return (with 200 followers or less*).

    My 11 Questions for you:
    1. Who is the one person that influenced your life the most?
    2. If you could go anywhere in the world where would it be?
    3. What is most important in your life?
    4. What makes you laugh?
    5. Where do you like to write, do you have a special place?
    6. How do you motivate yourself?
    7. What are your 3 favorite books?
    8. What kind of music do you like and do you listen to music when you write?
    9. Do you have other creative outlets that you do?
    10. What is your favorite thing to do other than writing?
    11. What is your favorite book?

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