Sometimes I’m proud. Sometimes my pride prevents me from admitting that I struggle. Sometimes I try and strive for perfection instead of accepting my own perfection. Sometimes I struggle with my thoughts. All of the time, I have an opportunity to practice making my thoughts better.
The last couple of days I’ve ridden the wave of feelings and thoughts. Fear and pride would pop into my head, yesterday and this morning on the drive. After talking to my mom and friends, why would you want to leave when you have so much love here? Soldiers go off to war, parents send their children off to college all the time. I think of my cousin Jacki who has lived apart from her parents and has a great relationship with them still. I have to keep my thoughts. But hearing my mom cry and struggle instinctly makes me want to comfort her. To go back, but that would be selfless. And as Tab says, she wants to be mad at me but she realizes this is my dream and she can only be happy for me. Even though I want to coddle my mom, I’ve realized not everything in life has to easy. This is our path and just because we don’t like being separated, we can’t let fear keep us from our journey. I have believed what I told mom: that I know she is supposed to be in Terre Haute the next year. That I am so happy for her to have the opportunity to discover Susan, and not always be Susan and Jim. Me and Dad have practiced being alone and taking off. Now it is mom’s turn to find her true self. So when the thought comes that, yes I’m a 24 year-old that misses her mommy, I have to remember what I told her and the commitment I’ve made.
Commitment is something that Dad and I have been discussing. We have made a commitment. To commit is to love. Only when we live in fear to we not live as our highest selves or stay true to what we set out to do. We have to listen to our inherent voices, striving for that balance. Not rushing the commitment, and listening to our guts. The road to destination may contain several roads and some may have dead ends, but if we truly look within we know which route to go. The speed to the destination is irrelevant, there is no need to rush or blindingly push, but remain determined yet aware and open. Mom’s path, right now is Terre Haute. Dad’s commitment is Colorado Springs for 5 years. My love is Colorado Springs for 5 years.
Don’t fight with your thoughts, if they are not where they should be, take note and move on. Learn from and strive to make yourself better. Prey for others but don’t grieve their absence. If I believe, like I say I do, in souls, then the ones I love will always be with me. These outpourings of love and care should serve to remind me that my purpose is to serve. Now I must grasp my nomadic soul and move somewhere else to spread and influence others. To teach more and learn more lessons from others. Be grateful for love, keep it with you, continue to give it, and listen to yourself. Keep living and appreciating. You don’t always have to be happy. And life is not easy, but the bigger the challenge the greater the reward. Practice and make your spirit better everyday, because it is infinite. Have faith and live your dreams.
BE, Love, Illuminate,