Fear of Self

FearSomething that I’ve come to realize, but that keeps coming front and center to my brain, is fear. After reading Dr. Wayne Dyer’s Excuses Begone (the first book of Dyer’s that I read) years ago I became aware just how much fear plays a starring role in our lives. We are burden with memes and excuses that are the manifestations of fear within us. I realized that I was afraid all the time and I am still constantly uncovering memes in my life. Often times they are such small and insignificant fears too. Like constant roadblocks in our path to our highest selves and our most fulfilled lives. Do we take the detour and find a new path? Do we succumb to the fear and the block, letting it defeat us so we run tucked tail back to where we came from? We are masters at self-limiting thoughts. We are ‘expected’ to live a certain life. We feel the pressures of our conditioning and society dictating what we should be doing and how to live our lives. Telling us we are not smart enough or pretty enough. We have to have the house and picket fence with the perfect car and family to boot. We choose the job that pays the bills, not the one that fuels our souls and fulfills our passion. Our hectic lives and busy schedules tell us what we have to do today. And we are afraid to fear from it. We’re afraid to play ‘hooky’, hell we’re afraid to take vacations. Somehow not being in the PTA, shuttling our kids from sport to sport, or hitting the gym means we are somehow failing the expectations. Whose expectations are these? Are they truly our own? In having so much time ‘off’ lately, I’ve come to realize that a large percentage of our time is not geared toward doing what we want but living how we feel obligated to. Once we’ve saved so much and established ourselves we will live our lives. We will travel then. That’s when we’ll quite our jobs and stick it to the man and chase our dreams. Do we do this? Why would we do that when being how we’re supposed to be is comfortable and easy?

Getting ready to leave and follow my passion despite everyone’s warnings: you need to get a job or stay in Terre Haute, I know where my path lays. Staying in Terre Haute would be easy. I have come to realize that the most rewarding experiences in my life are the ones that push my comfort zone, there are not easy and they charge at the wall of the character I have created. They challenge the person I should be and how I should live my life. But you know what I don’t want to sacrifice my time now. That future that I dream about and hope will happen someday is not guaranteed. Why not live my life now? Right now sitting here in my matching spirit Tab’s house, I think of how full of life I feel. How breathtaking and exhilarating it is just to be alive, to be here in this moment because as TD Jakes says every moment is a gift. Each day, each second I feel like I’m unwrapping present after present. Like a perpetual Birthday or Christmas. Life isn’t out there waiting on me, it is here right now.  A result of my thoughts and my decisions. I am in control of my destiny. I don’t have to be somewhere because someone else says so. I only have to do what brings me joy and believe me joy come in the smallest packages. I am too blessed to be concerned with what is our thinking. It’s great that they may be concerned for me, but that can’t stop me from living my life. When my grandma advises me to be cautious, it’s because of her conditioning and her rules...rules..rules.thoughts. I’m grateful for it, but if I lived my life according to everyone else’s rules I would never go forward. Like Thoreau says:

Any fool can make a rule, and any fool will mind it.

     Disclaimer: I am not calling my grandma a fool, but expressing my thought that we live so often by this rule book of life. I have never seen this book but there appears to be one and we follow blindlessly behind. I don’t want to follow someone else’s life or live someone else’s dream. I am finally dispelling my own fear of Brittany; I want to follow my own heart. I don’t mind being a lawbreaker. I’d rather blissfully live on the edge, with risk and uncertainty. Grasping hard to the moment and appreciating every moment and loving everyone, rather than acting out the chapters to a book that’s already been written. Last week plowed down the wall of fear, when I wrote a post for work. I poured my whole heart and soul into the piece (and that’s what I do here, literally I’m a little exhausted after spilling everything). In knew with our closing that interest would be sparked and viewers of our site would be spiked and that more people would see my soul bearing piece. I was vulnerable. Putting myself out there like that, with my honest thoughts, allowed me also to be susceptible to judgment. There was only the slightest hesitation before hitting the publish button. I had to let go of the fear that in posting it that people would see me, Brittany. At my core, the sum of my thoughts and feelings. I told myself what others think of me is not my business. And like Dyer says I am only responsible for myself. For the decisions I make, my thoughts, my actions. How I respond to others is on me no one else. In hitting publish I allowed myself to be completely exposed, as well.  This again takes away from our safety zone. Taking down all the walls and exposing our true selves and a fear that I think many of us have. Being invisible is easy. Trust me I know, I spent great portions of my life pleasing, blending and hiding. Hiding behind baggy clothes and sleeping away days, I was content with people not seeing me. Was I living? Was I happy? Hell no, but after years of practicing and lots of self-realization I am excited to say this is me.

I find that people are receptive to me most, when I am remaining true to myself (crazy and unique). When we go out, people always go on about my style: I love your outfit but I could never wear it or pull it off. Clothes do not look any better on me, but my mindset is there. I dress for myself in what I like not afraid to be quirky or eclectic. I’m interested in all kinds of things and my clothes reflect that. Or my physical appearance, I just had my hair baby pink. I often change my appearance, not only to embrace change so that I don’t stay comfortable, but to test myself and others. Because I’ve learned that the physical level (the most basic one that many never get out of) is temporary. My body is only going to be here for a short time and it is always changing so that the body I have now is completely different from the one I had at 16 and will be different from the one I have at 40 and 80. I am an infinite being, so changing my physical appearance doesn’t change me. Therefore, it reasserts that I cannot judge others by how they look.

Fear is limiting us to living life as we should rather than following our true path. Take a risk because flying is wonderful compared to spending a life in the safety net of obligation.

BE, Love, Illuminate,

Brittany

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3 thoughts on “Fear of Self

    • Thanks for the tip, I always value honest advice so that I can become better. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in just getting the thoughts out of my head that I forget to edit and look at the aesthetic appeal of my work.

      • I hope all is going well for you. I am a huge fan of Thoreau. The man’s writing and ideas changed my life when I was in my mid-thirties. Your blog’s name, “Living Thoreauly” is wonderful. That’s how your blog caught my attention. I try always to remember Thoreau’s central points. His influence underscores every thing I write and post to my blog.

        I am happy to have found your blog. all the best

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