Only I could take a crazy night out with my best friend and turn it into a sentimental life lesson (I actually blame the Rumi and hike for further nurturing of this). I’ve got two months before I leave for Colorado, that means focusing more on what I have here and getting in as much time with my people as possible. The last year I have been consciously working on my relationships. In recollecting on my experience with Tab and in drumming up memories of our past, I’ve come to realize some things. To get some clarity, let’s go back to Rumi. In reading the introduction, the author was explaining Rumi’s friendship with Shams:
Even the word love may be wrong for what Rumi and Shams share. Their friendship widens to include the sun, the fields, and “anything anyone says”. It is a kind of atmosphere that they inhibit. the place they reach is where, in some way, they are not, where absence, or a vastness, is. Perhaps love isn’t the word for it. Something grater than the personal opens, burns, and rises through. It cannot be understood or described, but it can be lived.
Holy shit that is deep and I could almost just post this and be done, but seeing as I’m going to send this to her I think I should clearify for her. Did I really just compare me and Tab to Rumi and Shams? Yes, I think this is true, granted we’re a little cruder and rougher around the edges. I now feel a connection and oneness with all, so that I can love all. I realize too that each relationship and each person is still an individual and each friendship offers something else. What’s ironic is that I was afraid of relationships before. I would get close with friends, but steer clear or pull back once it started to get to a certain closeness: where you have nonverbal communication and know each-other inside out (I can tell Tab what clothes she’ll pick before she knows, I can order her food, I know all her tiny confessions before she says them). A closeness that is unbelievable honest. There is nothing hidden, no secrets. Everything in the open, you are exposed and therefore vulnerable. In other instances to me I have mistaken this vulnerability. I view it as a risk. A risk, that by leaving myself open, I am openning myself to judgment. I’m not giving people enough credit or I’m taking things too personally. Really if the person is your friend, this is no concern. To truly love someone, you take them as they are completely. There is no trying to change them or mold them into the person you think they should be. There is no judgement or telling them how to live their lives. You can just exist along side of one another. Besides my parents (and my relationship with my siblings has been nearing this too), Tab was the first person that I let in like this. This kind of bond doesn’t just happen overnight, this has been over a decade in the making and living together definitely allowed the opportunity to exist on a whole other plane. Initially from the outside we may have seemed like the Lynyrd Skynyrd song Double Trouble. A regular duo of party girl. Alright we did have some crazy-ass times and have some whopping stories to tell that we jest we’ll be joking and reminising about in the nursing home when we’re old but still young spirited. Our friendship has always been more than this surface appearance. Everyone always joked, where is your other half, when on the rare occasion we’d go out without the other. Is there more to this? In the last book I read (granted it was a vampire magical novel) they talked about auras. Anymore there’s really not much that I don’t see a possibility in, so is there something to this aura thing? Where if our invisible energy radiating off of us was expressed in colors, the brightest would be gold? I think so, I think the greatest aspiration would be to constantly radiate a golden glow. Can they also show how compatible we are too? I think so, and for this reason I think that for some reason mine and Tab’s auras are compatible, therefore glowing a blindingly bright gold light. Souls, you could say. In reading Dyer and my own thoughts on life and death, the soul is definitely something I believe in. Soul mates? Questionable, but I do believe that everyone has the potential to be a kindred spirit. Me and Tab seem so different sometimes, but for somehow we fit just right, completing each other. She is outspoken, analytical/science-minded, whereas I am quieter and artsy, visual to the extreme. But I love what she says, that even though I may appear quiet, I have a loud soul. How can such contrasting work? It works because we are unconditionally accepting of one another. I think she is perfect just the way she is and she knows it. She doesn’t have to pretend to be anyone, she can tell me anything (no matter how scandalous) and it will never change my opinion of her. I feel the same, I’ll spill all my heart’s secrets to her and know that it won’t change her opinion of me. As I steered her through the crowded Broad Ripple streets, I think everyone had to realize this as she shamelessly paraded me: this is my smoking hot girlfriend (but she would say this regardless of my weight, what I was wearing, or how I actually looked. Like my voice she is looking at my soul and not just physical. Like Rumi says and what I try to do with all and not just Tab: I see my beauty in you.). Bragging on me, right before threatening anyone that looked at me. She had a moment in The Wild Beaver (which she may kill me for sharing, but it was a beautiful moment that has to be shared), that showed how our relationship is more than a couple of party girl. In the middle of a bar surrounded by shit-faced dancing maniacs, she turns to me with tears in her eyes to tell me how my ‘leaving’ is effecting her. To confess to me that she is a ‘selfish bitch’ (her word usage not mine), that she thinks about herself. That she wants to be mad at me, but can’t because she can only think of how perfectly I’ll fit into Colorado and how happy I’ll be. So together we’re a hot crying mess lately, me crying tears of appreciation and love, her crying out of love, but selflessness as well. That there, that growth and awareness that she showed me, really hit home my thoughts on our relationship. How far we’ve come and how much we’ve challenged (mostly me) the burning aura. Last year when I left to live in the shed, telling Tab was the hardest part for me. Part of me knew that she would feel that it was something against her (or rather that she would unknowingly take it personally). She didn’t understand, but she didn’t protest. Knowing that it was something I felt like I had to do, she let me go. I think that this situation, has been a learning lesson, so that we could reach this selflessness. Everyone you meet is an opportunity to teach you something, and we have bought taught each other valuable life lessons. I know that this post is something really deep thought, and like I said thoughts like this would have scared the shit out of me before. When she looked at me Saturday and said that I would always be her best friend and life partner (not meaning romantically, but in the way I’ve expressed with completion, acceptance, and bonds), I knew that before I leave that she has to know all of this. Before I leave I told her my one request is a note or something for a tattoo, something that I could have her with me at all times. That to me is friendship, it is permanent. But then you have the thoughts of society, all of which ran through my head. What if you stop being friends? Instantly I knew that the answer to this was a no. How could you have what Rumi and Shams had and lose it all for bickering or a few challenges that may come your way? How can some indefinite fail? In over a decade we have never even been in a fight. The scale that we stand upon is completely in balance, never tipping, so no she will be with me. Even if with time and distance and life (families, etc), the lessons and memories will never fade. Realizing this makes it somewhat easier to think about moving, knowing that my thoughts don’t have to change. The choice is mine. Wow, it is sometimes exhausting to put so much into one piece, but worth it to express myself, have others know how I feel and clear my head. I just got off of the phone with my mother (another inspiration beacon and burning aura), who just read my piece on dad yesterday. To have her choke up to tell me that, that is the best give I can give: my beautiful words and my heart (or rather my soul). That I am inspirational, that pushes me forward, to bear more. To live in radical honesty, love and appreciaiton. I have a good imagination, so I can envision glaring auras. Living in this state, they seem only to be brighter and the world around me more vibrant. True awe! More awareness, more gratitude. The best cycle to be trapped in (FYI: crying more tears of appreciation.
Don’t be afraid to let others in because you’ll miss out on experiencing love.
BE, Love, Illuminate,