“With everything that has happened to you, you can either feel sorry for yourself or treat what has happened as a gift. Everything is either an opportunity to grow or an obstacle to keep you from growing. You get to choose.”
This of course belongs to the great Wayne Dyer, I can always count on his writing or listening to him to help align my thoughts back to living inspired. There are big changes coming in my life, and reflections on this have brought about today’s post. Since reading Wishes Fulfilled, I’ve definitely become more aware of signs. I’ve always believed that things happen for a reason. The last two months, I have really been struggling to be in harmony, both mind and body. In a meeting with my parents and some of my new favorite term, ‘radical honesty,’ I have had some revelations. Our business has been struggling for a while and I know that I have fleeting moments of inspiration, but that it has subconsciously been eating away at me. I was still holding on to this failure idea. Last week, things just seemed to click into place with my family. We can not keep this building, we cannot stay here. I’ve always been passionate about my job, but lately (like I mentioned), it’s been challenging for me. I wanted so badly to manifest it, only to break down into my life’s not fair conundrum. I was affirming and feeling like everything was on the way. That the business was flourishing and prosperous. It wasn’t happening, why wasn’t it happening? True part of the problem was I was trying and wanting it to work. But I didn’t understand why it was not. I didn’t get it, all we wanted to do was serve people. I look at my mom and my dad, so selfless, how could this be? They’re not making any money, I haven’t taken a paycheck and don’t have any funds, how could this happen, we are good people? Why can’t we attract this into our lives? Cue in the talk. We realized that it was time to move on. We have been in this community so long and our program has changed. By dad leaving and then us incorporating more exercises that went against what he said, we have managed to confuse the hell out of people. When we changed to being fat-burners, that confused people. Not to mention that of the thousands we have changed, those will have things to say good or bad (which many are not fond of my father, but he has changed a lot, so it really breaks my heart at how sad it is that we judge one another). We have exhausted ourselves of this area, we need a new community, we have discovered what we believe and have a program that we can stick to. Unknowingly in coping and struggling me and mom lost our spark. Doing bills and financing took a toll on her, causing frustration. Worry made me want to eat to deal. I was drowning in a sea of memes and conditioning that I’d been brought up on. Even though I found inspiration, staying someplace seeping with memes, really has made it hard to keep inspiration all of the time. Going camping last month, just getting in the car and turning right onto Interstate 63 away from Terre Haute, I instantly had a feeling of flying and freedom. Free from the judgements (that I admittingly create), free from my conditioned thinking. We had lost some of our passion and groove. We felt obligated to stay and do this, but what good were we to people if we couldn’t help ourselves. I didn’t physically represent the business anymore, adding more guilt. It just snowballed, so that we were battling and fighting for our lives, rather than letting things manifest into our lives. When my dad went to Indy to start a location several years ago, he wasn’t running but trying to find a his soul again. He didn’t know why he was there, but it’s where he needed to be. It didn’t earn us a lot of money, but taught us valuable lessons. Sitting on the futon waiting on people to come, in walks an 18 year old boy dying of leukemia, my father couldn’t have known what a radical impact this boy would have on him. Have you heard about hormonal eating? This boy brought my father the book that changed our eating program and sent us on our path today. There are all kinds of signs in life and things happen for a reason, but we have to be aware and open to them. When dad said it was time to relocate to another location, things began to fall into place in my own mind. It was like I had a map to my life that was suddenly uncovered. I saw how that was it, I have been preparing myself for this the last year, and these last two challenging weeks, were a test. The final test to allow me to realize this. It was like all of a sudden I had wings and could fly, thinking of it all:
- Following my gut to move out of my rented house and into a shed to live more simply, giving away material objects in my life. Having less has helped me prepare for today, where my bank account is empty, but I have lost the desire to accumulate. Money does not make my world go round. I am content with less. But do you know how I feel, eve though I am considerably ‘poor’ by society standards? My heart is brimming with love and gratitude, so do fortune and possessions have any bearing on this? I am truly ready to be and just live life (I make an ideal candidate for a monk and constant meditation). To cherish the moment. To be love and love those who come into my life.
- Challenging myself. This is not going to be easy, but I’ve been purposefully challenging myself the last year, making myself stronger for this. Challenging my character of who I thought I was and what I am capable of. Firmly adopting the idea that nothing is impossible for me. Challenging my physical ability. Pike’s Peak is one of my most treasured memories from last year. Pushing me physically, but mostly mentally to separate my mind from my body and to drive on. Taking off to Vancouver, with only a plane ticket to Seattle. Forcing myself to live in the moment, enjoying each little step along the way instead of a set itinerary of destinations. Right now that is huge in my life. We don’t know exactly what will happen, how long we’ll be in the building, where me and dad will live or how we’ll start up a new life and business. Today and this moment, my fingers typing right now is all I am sure of. I’ve also spent a lot of time by myself. I’m pretty good at touching my sixth sense of feeling and can feel shifts. I could tell something big was coming in February when Dad left. Lately I’ve felt the same thing, a shift in my relationships. With my family, with my friends. Things had changed, so even though the love I have for them isthe same, I somehow felt some kind of detachment. It issn’t a bad thing, but just another unknown process of change to allow me to leave.
- Feelings and dreams. Since the beginning of the year I have had dreams of moving, something in the back of my mind telling me that I would not be in Indiana for all of 2012. I actually felt in February that things were going to change before my dad left. I thought, however, that he was going to take me with me him. That we would downsize the business then. Me and dad were in line with our viewpoint. We wanted to focus on doing fewer things better. I didn’t like the classes and it felt like caving giving people what they wanted, rather than what I believed to be right. When mom told me he was leaving and asked if I would run it with her, honestly I should have said no, but I felt an obligation to be with her and our clients. She couldn’t do it on her own, and I made it explicitly clear that I wanted to deal with the eating program and not the new exercise. But gradually the extended hours and financial battle, wore us both thin. When we realized we needed to move on, we both felt free. We were holding on out of obligation, losing sight of our passion. We had also been holding onto this idea that closing up, that bankruptcy and foreclosure correlated to failure and that we should be embarrassed. Fear of putting yourself out there, to let others judge you. According to who, though, is this failure? We have created these feelings. We have changed lives in this community, met people (who have taught us as much as we have taught them)- that is not failure. Fuck the money and fuck whatever others may judge, I know what is in my heart and what Body Change has meant. Let the lambs bah all they want, I’m going to roar. We could play the what-if game or we should-have, it doesn’t matter. That was then and this is now. What can I do today. I have never lived with regret and I’m not about to start now. Everything has brought me to this point and this is the way my story is supposed to go. Add to the feelings and dreams, this deep knowing within myself that I was not meant to live here. My dad has always felt this way too. I’ve never really felt like I belonged in the Midwest. True there are great people that I love here, but I seemed so contrasting to them. This area has a stereotype of being resistant to change and traditional. Not all of course are like this, but I never seemed in harmony. I, again, was always challenging myself to change. Cutting my or coloring my hair, adding tattoos, taking off in exploration of a new setting. I pushed and pushed for new, in a region that is a little reluctant to change. This is conditioning, though, like Thoreau says we have to repeat things over and over to make a path in the mind. I’ve always been a free-spirit dreamer, idealist and have always been drawn elsewhere. I’ve coveted a deep fascination to the Northwest (where I know I’ll ultimately end up, there is a yearning inside of me beyond my control, that will make that my ultimate home). We, however, are going to Colorado Springs, which connects with this first step. It is where we went last year, where I had that Pike’s Peak experience. I am completely in rapture with the mountains. Yes, that is were I belong, where I’m called to be (not to mention the variety of people, that know me so well and tell me I was made to live in Colorado or Seattle- signs, signs everywhere). I love to be outside, too and Colorado is like a giant outdoor playground. More signs: me and mom switched sifts, so that I had the morning off. I spent the morning going over and shooting bows with my nephew Gavin, before working on the chicken coop. I clearly remember thinking how great it was for my dad, to have this laid back life. He met and walked with his clients outside. How often did I feel trapped in our Building. Losing my connections with myself and taking on the role of ‘Body Change’ so I lost myself and what I love. I love hiking, it helps me reconnect with myself. I was utterly lost and disconnected from Brittany. Another sign: that Saturday we have boot camp outside. I felt alive, a tickling at the back of my mind said this is what I wanted all the time. My increased mood was evident, I felt at home outside.
Although, I feel light and free that doesn’t mean, that I don’t realize that things are going to again challenge me. We have started letting people know what is coming. We have been on a roller coaster of emotions. Mom is staying behind for awhile (she has not been on the same path and preparation as me and dad, so initially she will stay behind finishing out programs with our clients here and helping my grandmother recover from knee surgery. Taking time to separate from my nephews.), but for me it’s like saying good bye. What tears at my heart the most is the people. Telling people who I have known since I was 15, who have been faithful since we began in our garage, that pulls at my heart. What really gets to me is how wonderful they are. I’ve always held this firm belief that people are ultimately good. What gets me is that when we tell them, one of the first things they say is how happy they are for me. Not only does this show how well they know me, but that’s just so completely selfless and it just makes me cry. My mom, my terrific mother, is probably the most excited for me. So completely and utterly selfless. She is going to lose her house, and is making lists of all the things she has to get rid of, yet she maintains her sunny disposition. She is truly excited for me, telling me that they are just things. Ripping my heart a little more by telling me that I have taught her that these ‘things’ don’t matter. I’ve cried a lot the last week, but the main instigator is gratitude. Gratitude for being so loved, for knowing such great people. I feel overwhelmed with love and my heart just swells in thinking of how good people are. When my best friend Tab puts that her status as: my heart has broken into a thousands pieces, after I tell her, the flow of tears is nonstop. Wow, to have people love you so much is beyond. I loved watching Dr. Dyer’s Super Soul special on Oprah, when he was talking about loves three forms: human, spirit and divine. How many outlets of divine sources of love do I have? Ones that are never changing and never vary. To live and love in state of complete acceptance, free of judgement and that is unconditional blows my mind and my spirit feels like it may explode. This is what I have to remind myself, that distance and physical change does not change the love for people from my past or people at a distance. I used to keep my heart heavily guarded, but again the last year have worked on breaking down its defenses. Letting people in and letting them know how I feel (my practice at writing letters and cards the last year has been another example of unknown preparation), so that I could appreciate this now. I love that our business has created a family, something original, with an eclectic group of individuals, who despite their differences mesh perfectly together. I’m not losing these people, thanks to the greatness of the internet, but I have learned so much and had the wonderful opportunity to change and effect so many people, just like they have etched teachings into my own life. This move was meant to be, its my next chapter, but I realize that it has been these past chapters and characters that have created it, enriching the book of my life. Not knowing what is coming, though really has forced me to live in the moment (like I’d interspersingly been practicing). We don’t know when they’ll foreclose on the building. Nothing is for certain. Knowing that we may leave, but still being here, makes the appreciation seedling flourish further into bloom. Every moment is precious, it’s almost like doing what they say and living each day likes its your last. I have taken so many pictures this weekend, thinking I’m not always going to have so much time with these people. I focus on the present, treasuring every moment: talking with my grandma in the kitchen when I pop in to make my eggs, playing cornhole or euchre with my friends, book ventures and time with Chelsey and Cam, working on having my Aunt Gina relax to take a picture, sitting in the audience watching Angelica cross the stage for her diploma, sitting in the yard shooting my bow with my nephews, parents, brother and Katie, taking video of the boys playing football with dad, just being with my sister as I sit around Trenton’s birthday with my family, rescuing turtles on the road with my mom and the boys, sitting in my parents living room chatting with the doctors, car rides with my mom where we have conversations with radical honesty crying and discovering together. Just being with them is all I need. Every little thing is looked at in gratitude. It’s wonderful and blissful, to feel so alive and thankful. This is my path and the journey that I am supposed to take, the next chapter on my way to being. I am so grateful for life and all its opportunities, and all who have blessed its presence so far.
“Each experience in your life was absolutely necessary in order to have gotten you to the next place, and the next place, up to this very moment.”
BE, Love, Illuminate,
Pictures of my grateful weekend with family: