On said hike the other day, I was pondering on relationships. I really don’t get asked out that much, but the last couple of months I find myself with many possible suitors, yet I hold back graciously trying to let them done politely. Why? This I’ve been going over in my head since I turned down the first one. What I finally realized was part of the problem for my unwillingness to enter a relationship is that I am not ready. I have spent the last year on this spiritual journey falling incandescently in love with myself. This may sound weird or vain, but it’s true. They say in order to love someone else, you’ve got to love yourself. How many marriages don’t make it? How many of us truly love ourselves? We spend our lives picking ourselves apart. Picking apart our image: I look fat, my nose is too big, I’m not pretty enough, whatever little ‘flaws’ we can find. We judge and put down ourselves. I’m not smart enough, I’m not enough in general. We make ourselves unworthy. Unworthy of attention or success or happiness. We chase after it, sure, but we never actually get there. Girls suffer from self-esteem issues. We need validation from others to show our worth: to feel that we are pretty, or desirable or smart or kind or to feel that we are loved. We want and crave that reassurance. We want that other half, then we will be full and complete. Are we only half a person on our own? Growing up, I fed into this, so lacking in self-esteem and shy. I was afraid to truly was to share my own opinions and thoughts. Last year it began to click, as my thoughts began to change. I began to fall for myself, no longer afraid to be or share myself. I began to love myself as I was. I realized my own perfection: born of the right time and space with circumstances bringing me to this very moment and mind-frame knowing that I can choose to love myself. I began to tear down the walls of body image, finding my own internal beauty. I realized I could be anything: I am smart, I am kind, I am worthy. I don’t need for others to tell me these things, I don’t need someone to make me feel me complete. I don’t need someone to tell me I’m pretty. Anything I want I can create. Nothing is impossible for me. There is no limit to what I am capable of. It’s funny that it took me so long to realize that this is what I’ve been doing because I tell my friends all the time that they are perfect the way they are and I will always love them unconditionally. So why not accept this and allow the same feelings for myself. So why would I be hesitant for relationships? Maybe I’m a little selfish. I’ve just realized this great self-love and I’ve only been truly in love for a year and part of me doesn’t want to share yet. I want to bask in my own self-love for a bit. Is that bad? I don’t know, but part of Being is that I’ll know when it’s time to share and when someone is the right person to share with (another part of my epiphanies is what I want in a relationship. Not the pressure of dating or titles like boyfriend or husband, but someone who I can just be with, where they are themself and I am myself). But for now I’m going to build on my relationship with myself because now I can truly embrace the quote above.
Dear Brittany: I love you! I’m sorry it took so long to realize and say.
BE, Love, Illuminate,
- Good Self Esteem… What Does It Really Mean? (lorettagordonmft.com)
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- Self-esteem and connecting with our own bodies (gwizlearning.wordpress.com)
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