Word Vomit, Ego and Displacement

I’ve been in a spiritual funk the last week. As a result the last week I find myself talking (maybe I like the sound of my voice better, but really I think that my ego, which I normally keep a tighter grip on pulled a Houdini escape act). Where to begin? Friday I wake to a text that we have an emergency meeting. My father is leaving the business and ownership is turned over to me and mom. Ok, I saw change coming, not really what I envisioned but I’m confident in the two of us and my own destiny. The split was amicable, but what upset me was that my dad got hurt. Note the first fall from my Brittanyspiritual cloud. Before this my father had received an email that he had offended someone, add in a long history of this kind of thing and my father’s realization that he is not happy in this building, but wants to go back to his one-on-one experiences with people that can handle him. I love my father dearly, but he is honest and he admits when people refuse his help he often attacks because his ego gets in the way (I like to say his approach is off or he lacks tact). He has a genuine heart though and people don’t realize all the changes he has made. I find myself struggling throughout the day, making my descent from the cloud to touch down in the ‘real’ world. Down to the real world where people judge and talk and take things personally. He may not have approached the lady appropriately, but she also didn’t need to take it personally. I hated it. Why do we so frequently see only in black or white? Why with Jim Paulin is it either you hate or love him (what does it feel like to know or rather feel like most people don’t like you)? Why don’t we love everyone? I’ve worked so hard on this lately and I feel like I’m getting to that point I see myself in others and love. My father is a beautiful man and I was heartbroken that people judge or displace on him (he drives me crazy sometimes but we both have made so many strides and have the best relationship we ever have). My family is constantly striving to be better (to be more godly or good or spiritual or inspirational, pick a term that you like), and I’ve been progressing on this spiritual journey, but then I realized that some people never get this or know what this contention feels like. I find myself weeping for human nature and make repeated ascents back to my cloud, only to fall again. What do I do? I fall hard on my ass into the same step as those that I am upset about. I’ve been the last week talking and displacing as I try to sort out my own feelings, over thinking, etc.  Friday I go out with Tab and Shadow and then I spend the weekend upset with them. Friday they talk about how they had been spent the week crying and I mention that I had been upset, but no one asks me why. Then the next day me and Shadow go to Indy, and I get upset that she suggests if only Tab had come and we sit in the restaurant and I quiz her, but no return questions. The next day I spend the day catering to their emotional needs (so I feel), feeling like they’re putting me in a little Brittany-box of how I am and should be, trying to practice mindfulness, but ultimately losing. I throw my own little pity party and let my analytical side take the lead. I’m giving and they never think I have problems, etc., just dumb shit goes through my head, making observations about how they should live or making judgments about them (they’re not happy or they’re controlled, blah blah blah, I admit that I heard myself talking and thought ‘man I’m sick of hearing you talk and bitch’, I bored and got tired of myself). I continue to struggle, though, when someone asks me about someone, I find all these observations and judgments coming out of my mouth that don’t really reflect on what I feel and are really not my business at all (passing judgement). I wasn’t living my life, but trying to be and just getting in my own fucking way really. Cue in yesterday’s hike (I need vitamin N or nature for clarity, especially after a week indoors), where I find myself rambling through the last week. Where is this coming from? Why am I saying these things? Why am I feeling this way? Now cue in my ego. I was throwing a pity party for one and turning away all my potential party goers.  I was displacing. I quickly realize that these things are reflections of my own internal struggle. I’ve made progress, but obviously I still have things to work on and memes that run deeper. I’m not upset with my friends, I love them and I love them the way they are. Why am I expecting them to treat me a certain way? What matters is that I don’t judge them and just let them BE and love them unconditionally. The things that I do and say are not a reflection of them, but of myself and things I need to work on. This thing with boxing me in comes from my struggle the last month with my next topic of this connected-yet-separateness. Me feeling ignored and like I’m constantly giving, comes from deep memes of the poor-me instances in my life and the ‘tough’ things I’ve been through. I’ve been sorry for myself to detour myself from thinking of the business not working out, of trying to decipher what I really want, instead of following my intuition and bucking up or living in the moment. I think of what I don’t have: money, etc. Then I pause in the middle of the lane: what is lacking in my life right now? I picture my amazing friends, my nephews, and family. I think of hugging my little nephews, and I realize how silly I’ve been the last week. Today I am going to be better I tell myself, to move on and stop all this displacing word vomit, because I have a choice of how to deal with this and so far I’d done a piss-poor job. What do I want? To be me, to be happy, to love, to be silent and present. To BE and not think so damn much, stop analyzing, making assumptions and judging, and stop the non-stop rambles. Lesson this week is to Breathe . . . Be . . .Mindful. Remain on the spiritual cloud and get out of my own way so that I can be happy and be love (and thus the people around me). I’ve got to take a page from my own book and choose how I feel and what I radiate. I (yes me Brittany) made up this spiritual funk and its up to me to get rid of it. Expel the bad energy, memes and ego (stop letting your ego drive your life and mouth, but kick it to the curb), and embrace the currents of love and kindness. Although I’ve mentioned this all before it is like Thoreau says:

“As a single footstep will not make a path on the earth, so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind. To make a deep physical path, we walk again and again. To make a deep mental path, we must think over and over the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives.”

Live the moment (repeat).

 

BE, Love, Illuminate

Brittany

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