I have admitted that I am constantly working on my goodliness, but there are moments that I do struggle. Yesterday started off great, but I soon found one of those goodliness tests. It seems like little road bumps pop up each day testing my growth. With my accelerating awareness I am able to recognize these (although not always right away) and realize that my recovery is what matters. The old man, I mentioned last week, who pulled out in front of me was like a little test. And although the old Brittany raised her hand in preparation for the bird, the new Brittany retracted it and wished wellness instead. Yesterday’s test is a meme that I feel has plagued me my whole life and many others, and that is money. Monetary wealth seems to be the antithisis of many peoples’ drive for life, and for many it is the definition of success. Money is what makes teh world go round right? Well part of my journey has dealt with dematerializing (the storage shed) and wanting less, giving away lots of ‘stuff’. Most days I follow this, but yesterday I got tripped up by that damn bump. I grab my check and for some reason I actually look at the summary for once: YTD: $10,000. Holy shit that’s the least I’ve made since I started working in high school. I made more working half the hours at Penney’s. It’s kind of a running joke that I work vitrually for free, and I usually laugh it off, but I get caught up in self pity, thinking that sometimes I’m tired of being ‘poor’ (an excuse and a meme). I work twice as much as I did then, I have a degree and an abundance of skill sets; for what? Not even half of minimum wage. Then I cash my check and nearly all of it goes towards bills and I begin to feel that worry about not having enough for has and food, living on the edge and paycheck to paycheck. Just as there are these tests, there are little pockets of chances. I cash out at Walmart, after a couple of errands and a few sacks fo healthful goodies (a usual mood boost for me is the thought of nutritious food) and I find myself in a cheery conversation with the clerk about Fivefingers and Parkour. I don’t know why, but this puts me back on the path towards center. I get back to work to start our first 56 Day Program, which we had over a hundred for last year and I look at the crowd and theres 30-something (oh no, we need more than this), but then I look at the people. Some are faces I’ve seen before (and love), some are new. It doesn’t matter if there is one person,all that matters is that they’re here. Like Dr. Tank said (and my father repeated last night), “you only need to change one.” Each of these people were here and that’s what’s important. Letting me into their lieves to try and serve (and make them healthy and promote longevity). Allowing me to live out my passion. Isn’t that what a job or a profession should be? Somewhere that you enjoy going to you, regarless of money and something that you would do for free? As my father talks this is one thing you notice, is that he has passion and wants to serve. What are we afraid of? That we may ‘fail’ and lose the building? Like I’ve said ‘failure’ is non-existant. Right now we still have the building, but if for some reason we lose it someday, it’s not going to stop our drive to serve. We will still be there regardless (hell we started in a garage). This family is strong and passionate. What’s lacking right now? Nothing, I am surrounded by love and terrific people, skills to survive, health. When I find myself thinking of what I don’t have (in this case money), then I detour from appreciating what I already have.Money is really the furthest thing from my current state of mind now. I may be cash poor, but I am passion and love rich!
- Moment to Moment Living (bepaulin.wordpress.com)