On said hike the other day, I was pondering on relationships. I really don’t get asked out that much, but the last couple of months I find myself with many possible suitors, yet I hold back graciously trying to let them done politely. Why? This I’ve been going over in my head since I turned down the first one. What I finally realized was part of the problem for my unwillingness to enter a relationship is that I am not ready. I have spent the last year on this spiritual journey falling incandescently in love with myself. This may sound weird or vain, but it’s true. They say in order to love someone else, you’ve got to love yourself. How many marriages don’t make it? How many of us truly love ourselves? We spend our lives picking ourselves apart. Picking apart our image: I look fat, my nose is too big, I’m not pretty enough, whatever little ‘flaws’ we can find. We judge and put down ourselves. I’m not smart enough, I’m not enough in general. We make ourselves unworthy. Unworthy of attention or success or happiness. We chase after it, sure, but we never actually get there. Girls suffer from self-esteem issues. We need validation from others to show our worth: to feel that we are pretty, or desirable or smart or kind or to feel that we are loved. We want and crave that reassurance. We want that other half, then we will be full and complete. Are we only half a person on our own? Growing up, I fed into this, so lacking in self-esteem and shy. I was afraid to truly was to share my own opinions and thoughts. Last year it began to click, as my thoughts began to change. I began to fall for myself, no longer afraid to be or share myself. I began to love myself as I was. I realized my own perfection: born of the right time and space with circumstances bringing me to this very moment and mind-frame knowing that I can choose to love myself. I began to tear down the walls of body image, finding my own internal beauty. I realized I could be anything: I am smart, I am kind, I am worthy. I don’t need for others to tell me these things, I don’t need someone to make me feel me complete. I don’t need someone to tell me I’m pretty. Anything I want I can create. Nothing is impossible for me. There is no limit to what I am capable of. It’s funny that it took me so long to realize that this is what I’ve been doing because I tell my friends all the time that they are perfect the way they are and I will always love them unconditionally. So why not accept this and allow the same feelings for myself. So why would I be hesitant for Continue reading
Yesterday I finally got in a hike and I didn’t hike just anywhere, but my favorite place in the whole world: Snow Hill behind my childhood home. Not only an opportunity to sing and dance my way around the woods in the rain, but to practice some mindful walking and of course self-discovery.
Lesson 1: What you want isn’t necessarily what you need. Today as I look at the window it is another sunny gorgeous Indiana day, just like Tuesday and Monday. Yesterday as I anxiously waited to get off so I could go outside, I see the darkening clouds and the coming rain. It’s not that sunny-happy day that I thought or hoped I’d get. How silly was I? I barely make it into my shed before my backpack is flung over my shoulder ready to go. It’s sprinkling and dark, how to react? With the same enthusiasm as I had before. As in everything with life I have the opportunity to choose my mood, change my thought, change my prejudice. Sometimes it rains. I can’t control that, but what I can do is put on a smile crank up my IPod, find a song with a beat (PYT was a favorite yesterday), and just feel it, let the music take over and lose myself for a moment. I have the chance to choose.
Lesson 2: Choice is beautiful. I’ve been stuck in this vicious reading cycle (borderline obsessive). What have I been reading? Well after reading the Hunger Games I’ve been hooked on these futuristic young adult dystopia novels. Currently pushing through the Matched series and what I’ve found to be a central theme is choice. The Society controls Continue reading
It’s amazing how sometimes things in life just click. The other day I woke up and it clicked: Brittany sometimes you think to much, you think too much about what others are thinking. Stop being silly and just BE, be happy and move on. Therefore I wrote this post for my work blog sounding off on body image, but I liked it, so I thought I’d put it here as well!
Warning: this post is part inspiration part MY thoughts and MY observations, not everyone has to agree with them (it’s been awhile since I did a motivational post so I think it’s ok to throw one in occasionally). They are my own reflections. I love my job because I am fascinated by the human body because I want to serve people because I want the world to be healthier because I think we can change our futures by changing the way we eat because I want people to live long healthy lives and not worry about the ‘risk’ of disease. What I don’t like and what I struggle with sometimes is this obsession with image. I view health as a feeling Continue reading
I love my nephews! I got to start and finish my day yesterday with Mr. Trenton. I think its impossible to be anything but happy when he’s around. Him and Gavin show me how I want to be. To be a child is to be yourself. To be uninhibited and unaffected by judgement. To explore and live without fear. To not worry or think too much, but to just BE. To Be a kid. Coming home to him pouncing on Lulu because he’s a tiger and having her be a horse or him rolling into fits of innocent laughter is how we should all be. I want and I try to capture it all to store in my memory bank all these great moments and his pure spirit: wearing glasses, watching the Little Mermaid and have him tell me ‘Bwittany I scared of her (Ursula)’, of him Continue reading
So I was having a glorious week last week and I had a phenomenal weekend, but there was a time on Friday when I had a moment. I got the invitation to this pity party. Normally I trash such invitations, but for some reason (I’m thinking my lack of sleep was really getting to me) I RSVPed to this one. When I got there I saw some old friends. There was my Ego and Fear, of course who was there with his girlfriend Excuses. Who was arguing with Worry, who was backed by Pity. There was Debbie Downer and Sadness. I mean this party was bumping with some heavy hitters in the Pity Party scene. For some reason I found myself here, but the crazy thing with my spiritual transformation, is my awareness and mindfulness. I could see myself having these negatives thoughts about myself, like I was disconnected from my body watching this party go down. I even thought ‘Brittany you are being such a brat, this is not you. This is not who you are, this is not how you think, nor how you view yourself. We love Brittany.” The party was quick and obviously a good one, as I soon blacked out and woke up rejuvenated with sleep and I eclipsed the prior days spurt of dismalness by going for a hike. The party erased, but Monday I found myself in the office at work with another invitation to a pity party. This time I did not take the bait. Fear, Ego these are not my friends and not how I wanted to be. My mom laughed when I told her this, “I Continue reading
Found this the other day and it made me stop and think for a moment. Yesterday I woke to a sunny day and decided to go to Turkey Run for the third weekend in a row. As I was driving through the Indiana countryside this once again popped into my head. I’ve been thinking that I need to get away to take a trip, but as I’m driving I think of what a ridiculous idea that is, when where I am is so right. Indiana is perfection right. Yesterday was sunny, but just cool enough, for the perfect temperature. It was green everywhere I looked, plus the blossoming trees added sparks of purples and whites. As I was hiking wild flowers blossomed in purples and whites as well, but this week there were added red ones. As I drove, listening and belting out my Celine Dion, I thought that happiness is right here where I am and it’s like the Thoreau quote that I frequently remind myself of:
It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see
When I looked around yesterday, it seriously took my breath away. Driving, I decided that I was going to try to find Shade’s State Park. I didn’t have a map and refused to use the navigation on my phone, so needless to say I was lost. I notice that usual anxious feelings would come creeping up, but I would again remind myself of another Thoreau quote:
Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves Continue reading
I’m going to take this lack of ability to sleep, as a sign to clear my head. Tossing and turning, I start to think about blogging. Originally this blog was created as my own journal of sorts; a visual way for me to track my thoughts and events in my life. Yesterday, though as I look at the updates on here and it says that I have more likes and followers than any other day on this site, I am kind of shocked, but pleased all the same. I don’t know how people find this site, but it hits me how wonderful blogging and bloggers are. In recent years I’ve come to view writing as an outlet for sorting through the thoughts racing through my head. Deep thoughts on life, of love, of what’s important, of fears. It helps me make sense of the world and myself. Sometimes I’ll write to remember an experience, a trip or a time when I was feeling immensely happy or even a time when I am displeased with my behavior. I can say whatever I like because it is mine. My voice. I’ve been on this spiritual journey for a year now, and this blog has helped me tremendously. I can look back and re-inspire myself by living in a moment when I was most happy. Even though it started out as something for me, it has turned into so much more. As people comment on here or when I click related articles and look at other peoples work and follow them, I close a gap. The world become smaller, as I connect with people, who think like me. Who are making their way through life and sorting through it all, Continue reading
Rolling out of bed this morning, then attempting to leave my sister’s only to realize that the door wouldn’t open, I thought to myself: is it going to be one of those days? Awe, conditioned thinking. Breathe, don’t get flustered but change your thought. Well after a while it becomes evident that I was not meant to get out of the side door. I find myself in the car, ‘this is a funny mood I’m in.’ Not feeling or thinking much of anything in particular, I find myself at work without absolutely no clue what the day will bring. Slow to start, with an obstacle in my way, determining my own response to how I want this day to go, I begin to gradually make my way toward an awesome day. I pull in and see my uncle’s car, smile because I know his daughter is on her way. So first thing at work is a
Taking more cues from signs in life. Saw this on my Pinterest this morning and took it as an opportunity to send out love to my friends and family. Great way to start the day feeling inspired and full of love. As I’ve worked the last year to express myself I thought this is great, because like I tell my friends, we so often assume how people feel about us. But telling someone you love them takes the guesswork out, so you can move forward and have fun. This kind of goes hand-in-hand with never leaving mad. That is something I’ve practiced since I was a child, maybe because of our accident and especially after my grandpa’s accident. You never know what can happen and I don’t want to leave someone upset. Even if I don’t feel like I’ve done anything wrong, I’ll apologize and say I love them. Me and Dad have had some major fights and I may even walk away. But I always take a breathe, ‘Is this going to be that big a deal later on.’ Every time I realize that it’s Continue reading